So once again it has been quite some time since I have written a post. Now I am writing from another country as I am living abroad. At the end of February I left Australia to come here to Vietnam for a year of volunteering, something I have wanted to do for a long time. Sadly though it has meant leaving my darling Daddiky.
So now you can guess that this post will be talking about what is has been like away from Daddiky, the longest I have been away from him since he has been so dependent. I never thought I could actually miss my Dad this much, leaving him in Australia was so heartbreaking for me. It continues to be heartbreaking.
I have spoken to him about 4 times since I have been here. The manager at the nursing home has been really accommodating and has facilitated my video calls with Dad. Sadly he doesn’t talk back to me anymore. The video chats just involve me talking with him and him staring back. The manager tells me he doesn’t take him eyes off me when we talk. Its touching to hear that. Its nice to see his face and to know that he is still seeing mine, being so far away from him. I am so grateful for technology.
Guilt sometimes consumes me as I know that no one is going to visit Daddiky anymore. I would visit him one a week or once a fortnight when I was back in Australia and that is the only contact he would get with family and friends. I have some friends that offer to visit which is great but obviously no one can visit him as much as I do. I am here in Vietnam helping others when sometimes all I want to be doing is spending time with Daddiky and helping him.
As I mentioned before, I have really been missing Daddiky. Before I left, we were spending lots of quality time together, going to the park, going for coffee, drinking beer and eating icecream. I was thoroughly enjoying the time we had together, as heartbreaking as it could be sometimes, I was loving having special moments with him. There is something so special about just sitting with someone, no pressure to talk or to do anything. All there is to do is just be. Be with each other and enjoy the father and daughter time. I really miss those moments and i’m so looking forward to seeing him in November when I go back for a wedding.
I guess now that he is much worse than he use to be and because I am away for 12 months, I need to accept the reality that he may die while I am away. its such an awful thought and i am detached from the idea. but it is reality. Shitty reality. I will be back in Australia in November and I am really hoping that he sticks around until then so I can see him. I’m not sure I can be happy with myself if he does die. I know the usual thing that people say, you go to live you own life, you can’t stick around and put your life on hold. At the same time though, who is there to spend time with Daddiky, to make sure he is ok and that he is feeling loved.