I’m not sure sometimes which is harder. Seeing Dad or the guilt of not seeing him. Being his only visitor, I find immense pressure to visit him on a regular basis, at least weekly. The pressure really is internal and self imposed. If I have a busy week of work and don’t get away straight from work to see him, or have lots of weekend plans I don’t get to visit him for a week. That’s when the guilt really sets in. For someone who is the only one bothering to visit and who cares a lot for him, I sure do feel a lot of guilt.
Sometimes I wonder if I could do better. Would it be better if I visited more than once a week. Would I be a better daughter, a better person? Would it be better if I spent more time with him on a visit or did more things with him? Does he notice when I can only stay for a short time? Does he mind?
So many questions, only answered by my own mind. People tell me I’m a great daughter and I do so much. That I am doing enough. But I really am not so sure. I’m sure I could do better. We can always do better.
Currently I am counting down the weeks until I depart for my 3 month European holiday. That will again bring more guilt I am sure. Feeling terrible to leave him with no one again. Feeling like I am abandoning him. Scared of being away so long, scared of what could happen. The last time I was in Europe, things didn’t turn out well in the family.
I guess it’s time again to call on my friends and extended family for help. Last time it worked out well and I felt a lot of relief that people were helping me and taking dad out when I was away. Let’s hope it can happen again.
My tip is don’t get old. Or at least don’t get sick and old. Look after yourself. Even if it’s not for you, do it for the people who love you. Do it for the ones that will suffer watching on and helping out when you are sick. It seems a lot of people have the attitude that “we have to die of something”. But do you really want to die a slow and undignified death, unable to walk or talk, relying on someone else for everything. Everything. That certainly isn’t for me. I’m determined to not end up that way.
Out of our suffering comes lessons. Valuable life lessons that we can’t learn when everything is good. We can see our suffering as a burden and just get pulled down by it. Or we can see our suffering too as a gift, an opportunity to learn and to rise above.
Through suffering I’m learning devotion, unconditional love, selflessness and a motivation to do better. Not for me but for you my Daddiky.